Happy New Year!

Last of 2009!

Enjoy it while you can.

New Health Care Symbol for Seniors

Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour today after "beating" the world's #1 golfer.

The win came after the top golfer played the wrong 18 holes.

I thought my boss would never know...

and then I got my first DWI!

Phone call from Hell...

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Tuesday!

Funny Wedding

Be sure to read the subtitles.
Very funny!

What do we tell the kids?

Winter Funnies

Opening line @ the bar...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Why Email was Invented...

Company Structure

Once again...

I was disqualified from my neighborhood’s
“Best Decorated House” contest due to my bad attitude!

Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says - - W T F -- !

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked their vehicle when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

When visiting Bawstin...

Information on Boston and the surrounding area:

There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical "oddah": Arlington , Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Massachusetts Avenue is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Avenue is Comm Ave;

South Boston is Southie.
The South End is the South End.
East Boston is Eastie.
The North End is east of the former West End.
The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
Roxbury is The Burry.
Jamaica Plain is J.P.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly:
**Say it wrong, and be shunned**

Worcester : Wuhsta (or Woostah)
Gloucester : Glawsta
Leicester Lesta
Woburn: Woobin
Dedham : Dead-um
Revere: Ra-vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Tewksbury : Tooks berry
Leominster : Lemin-sta
Peabody: Pee-ba-dee
Waltham : Walth-ham
Chatham: Chaddum
Samoset: Sam-oh-set or Sum-aw-set but nevah Summerset!

Definitions:
Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't.
If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
Soda is CLUB SODA.
"Pop" is DAD.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for TONIC WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish;
If you paid more than $7/pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah.
It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel.
It's not a spucky, a hero or grinder,... it's a sub.
It's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage.
It's not a purse; it's a pockabook.
They're not franks; they're haht dahgs; Franks are money in Switzahland.
Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a "crooza".
If you take the bus, your on the "looza crooza".
It's not a rubber band, it's an elastic.
It's not a traffic circle or roundabout, it's a rotary.
"Going to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket.

The Sox = The Red Sox
The C's = The Celtics
The B's = The Bruins
The Pat's =The Patriots

Things not to do:

Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd .. they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford ) or Summahville (Somerville) .
Don't sleep on the Common. (Boston Common)
Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.

Things you should know:

There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).

The colored lights on top the old Hancock building tell the weatha':

"Solid blue, clear view...."
"Flashing blue, clouds due...."
"Solid red, rain ahead...."
"Flashing red, snow instead...." - except in summer;
flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out!

Most people live here all their life and still don't know what the hell is going on with this one.

Route 128 South is I-95 south. It's also I-93 north.

The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T", and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).

Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer.

Bostonians...think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.

Bostonians...think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's)except in "idea".

Bostonians...think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.

Bostonians...refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting."

Bostonians...always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

Bostonians...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.

Bostonians...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.

Bostonians...think Rhode Island accents are annoying.