A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a HS football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:
The ass was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:
I hate that punk ass bitch Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the 'effin barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on some skinny health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Happy Birthday, my baby Brother Sean!

Wishing you many more! All our love!

Snoop Dogg is 38

Cordazar Calvin Broadus (born October 20, 1971),better known by his stage name Snoop Dogg, is a Grammy Award-nominated American rapper, record producer, and actor. Snoop is best known as an MC in the West Coast hip hop scene, and for being one of producer Dr. Dre's most notable protégés. He popularized the catch phrase suffix "-izzle," a slang term or infix that had been in use for decades, but not nearly to the extent that it currently permeates the pop and hip hop music industry as well as general usage.

Snoop Dogg was a Crip gang member while in high school; shortly after graduation, he was arrested for cocaine possession and sentenced to three years in prison, then began his music career in 1992 after his release. He collaborated with Dr. Dre on several tracks on Dre's solo debut, The Chronic and on the titular theme song to the film Deep Cover. Snoop's debut album, Doggystyle, was released in 1993 under Death Row Records. Doggystyle went quadruple platinum and spawned several hit singles "Who Am I (What's My Name?)" and "Gin & Juice."

In 1996, Snoop Dogg was cleared of charges over his bodyguard's 1993 murder of Phillip Woldemariam. His second album, 1996's Tha Doggfather, was his last release for Death Row before he signed with No Limit Records, with whom he recorded three albums from 1998 to 2001. Snoop then joined Capitol Records in 2002 for his album Paid tha Cost to Be da Boss, and then to Geffen Records in 2004 for his next three albums. He also joined forces with his cousin Nate Dogg and rapper Warren G as the supergroup 213 for an album in 2004.

In addition to music, Snoop Dogg has also starred in motion pictures and hosted several television shows: Doggy Fizzle Televizzle, Snoop Dogg's Father Hood, and Dogg After Dark. He also coaches a youth football league and high school football team. Snoop Dogg has also run into many legal troubles, some of which caused him to be legally banned from the UK and Australia. He is the cousin of rappers Nate Dogg, Daz Dillinger, RBX and Lil' Half Dead and the cousin of R&B singers Brandy and Ray J.

In July 2007, Snoop Dogg also made history by becoming the first artist to release a track as a ringtone prior to its release as a single, "It's the D.O.G.".

Broadus's father left the family when Broadus was 3 months old. Snoop married his high school sweetheart, Shante Taylor, on June 12, 1997. On May 21, 2004, he filed for divorce from Shante, citing irreconcilable differences. The couple renewed their wedding vows on January 12, 2008. R&B singer Brandy is his first cousin. In 2002, the rapper announced he was giving up marijuana, one of his image trademarks, for good, though this did not last long.

Weekly Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19). Initially, you may be grumpy about the many responsibilities that will fall to you. But you should be able to adopt a brighter mood, especially mid-week, when you'll be given props for being so dependable. If, however, you find it difficult to change your tune, then change your venue. Travel is favored.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20). In the past, you started, and abandoned, an exercise routine -- it wasn't your fault. The activity felt more like work than play. This week offers a new chance to take part in something you will enjoy that happens to burn calories, too. A friend or instructor will provide the accountability you need to stick with it.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21). Your love of order is threatened by someone who doesn't value it quite as much. It may seem easy for you to put things back where they belong, but for this person it's not. You're no servant, and don't be an enabler, either. Meet in the middle, helping to make things right -- but don't do it all for this person.

CANCER (June 22-July 22). Comedian Mitch Hedberg said: "I'm tired of chasing my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later." This is more than a clever joke. Consider making a similar deal with destiny now. Ask to be shown the destination. Answers come in a dream or an uncanny coincidence.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). You'll have the opportunity to describe yourself. Of course, you'd rather people took the time to observe and understand you, but in a fast-paced world, there are many who will need the condensed version. They'll take you at your word, too, so think carefully about how you might convey your skills, qualities and attributes.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Family, love, professional fulfillment -- many still believe that you cannot have it all. Your brilliant, graceful movement through this week will prove otherwise. It's amazing the way you create success in several areas of life at once. This is the kind of balance that people strive their whole lives to know.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). There are friends, and then there are friends you'd feel comfortable borrowing money from. Not that you would necessarily, but it's nice to imagine that someone's got your back. You'll be reviewing and defining your relationships. You will be especially drawn to those who fit into more than one category.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Chicken is a game kids play to see who will back down first. Oddly, adults play it, too -- only then the consequences are much greater than a skinned knee. Avoid this game now. Be content to prove your worth to one person only -- you. There will be opportunities Thursday and Friday to surpass your own best record.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Though you are capable of thinking in many different modes, this week you will be more of a big picture person -- steering projects and letting others handle the details. Set up a few quality checks along the way. On Friday your senses will tingle when you're moving in the direction of fun and excitement.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You're certainly not looking for a homogenized version of reality. You see the value in diversity. You like to round out your coterie of true-blue friends with a few fringe people who see things differently. The exceptional blend of personalities you assemble will be a source of great insight and lucrative ideas, too.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You feel the need to make a personal change, but you don't know when to begin and may be afraid to fail. It's all part of the challenge. You'll feel braver as the week progresses. Someone reaches out to you on Saturday. What sounds like casual conversation has depth when you listen between the lines.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). If you were a ship captain, you would stand on the prow and let the ocean breeze hit you full in the face while the gulls cheer you on overhead. You are brave, you are intrepid; even these fluorescent lights can't dampen your salty spirits! The world will open to you and show you new wonders.

Jane teaches Tarzan sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ‘Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, ‘What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

No Trespassing

Obamopoly

The object of the game is to destroy American capitalism by having the government take over everything. Wanna play? No? Too bad, you're already playing. And in this game, nobody wins.

Power outage causes delays at Logan - Local News Updates - The Boston Globe

Power outage causes delays at Logan - Local News Updates - The Boston Globe

Posted using ShareThis

Returning the Toaster

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!', which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Hint: It's not the 2nd spot that looks like an eye.

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST:

ARIES: Exercise your power. Someone notices you when you flex. TAURUS: Lay your boundaries and make them clear -- you want someone to add to your life, not take it over. GEMINI: You'll be tempted to overdo things, but it will help if you're around centered, stable people who aren't prone to excess. CANCER: You know and like who you are -- a very attractive quality. LEO: You celebrate your independence, but someone else would like it if you would need him or her -- just a little. VIRGO: Approach the one you're interested in. It will go well. LIBRA: You have your own style. Stick with what has been working for you. SCORPIO: You're a prize. Be wise and selective about who you let into your world. SAGITTARIUS: Take the initiative in your life. You are the director of your own picture. CAPRICORN: Let financial issues go. Dwelling on them will only hold you back from love. AQUARIUS: Your self-sufficiency might scare off someone who is weak -- and that's a good thing. PISCES: Your confidence springs from one fact: You know how to make your own dreams come true.


COUPLE OF THE WEEKEND: Libra and Aries are a study in counterbalance. When one is feeling impulsive, the other will be the voice of reason. When one has a moment of self-doubt, the other will be a confident supporter. They are different with one another than they are with anyone else in the world. They are seldom in the same mood at the same time, which makes for delicious tension and constant excitement.

Convicted killer of Revere man gets six years in jail

REVERE - The man convicted of fatally stabbing a 26-year-old Revere man in a South Boston barroom brawl was sentenced to six years in state prison Wednesday.

Suffolk Superior Court Judge Linda Giles handed Bernard Piscopo, 40, of Dorchester, less than half of the 14- to 16-year term recommended by Assistant District Attorney Holly Broadbent.

Piscopo was originally indicted for second-degree murder for the June 17, 2007 stabbing of Adam Rich, but a jury on Tuesday convicted him of the lesser offense of voluntary manslaughter. The jury acquitted Piscopo of stabbing a surviving victim during the same incident, according to Suffolk County District Attorney Daniel F. Conley.



Prior to sentencing, Rich's father and sister addressed the court to tell of what they lost when the young man was stabbed seven times, including once in the heart.

"The last thing I ever thought I'd have to do was tell anyone how special and loved Adam was," said Brian Rich, the victim's father, adding that the young man had scored high on a test when he considered a career as a Revere firefighter.

"The month of June is now a terrible month," he continued. "Adam's birthday was in June. So is Father's Day - the day he died."

The slain man's sister, Janelle Rich, spoke at length about "the hurt and agony" of his loss.

"I ... imagine, over and over, his last moments," she said, "bleeding from seven separate stab wounds, drowning in his own blood as his lungs filled up, suffocating, gasping for air with no one but a stranger to offer him assistance. He died with no one he loved to hold him, reassure him and comfort him ... Memories of how he died haunt me every day and those memories are engraved on my soul."

During two full weeks of trial, Broadbent introduced evidence and testimony showing that the victim and another man became embroiled in a fistfight at The 6 House on West Broadway in the early morning hours of June 17, 2007. The evidence showed that others present intervened in that melee, including Piscopo and the surviving victim.

Rich was escorted from the bar but soon returned and struck Piscopo. The evidence proved that Piscopo produced a knife and stabbed Rich seven times in the back, chest, stomach, legs and hand before fleeing through the bar's back door. Rich was pronounced dead of his injuries at the Boston Medical Center a short time later.

According to published reports, Piscopo, the father of two suffering from Multiple Sclerosis, sobbed uncontrollably as the judge issued his sentence.

Nicole Crosta was the victim-witness advocate assigned to the case. Assistant District Attorney Janis Noble second-seated Broadbent. Piscopo was represented by attorney Robert George.

Rest in Peace

There's a place in heaven reserved,
for all the dogs who so faithfully served,
those of us whose hearts are bereaved,
when their place on earth they must leave.



Our deepest condolences in the loss
of your friend and companion, Duncan.

A few of life's little truths:

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shit-head's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here..

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea.

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Mary's.

13. I love being married.. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on...

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled..

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don 't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

Singer Al Martino...

who you likely remember as the Sinatra-esque Johnny Fontane in 'The Godfather,' but also had a 50-year music career that produced hits like 'Spanish Eyes' and 'Volare,' has died at the age of 82.

Martino died on Tuesday at his childhood home in the Philadelphia suburb of Springfield, in Delaware County, according to publicist Sandy Friedman, of the Rogers & Cowan public relations firm. Friedman didn't cite a cause of death.

Captain Lou Albano...

the former professional wrestler whose WWF fame as a manager in the 1980s was surpassed by his crossover fame as a collaborator with Cyndi Lauper, has died. He was 76.

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.



Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.



First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

Senior Moment

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? '

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.

Geography Lesson

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of
business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



NOW FOR THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran.
Ruled by nuts.
THE END.

This is the hostess for an Italian TV talk show...


This is the hostess for an American TV talk show...



Where the hell did we go wrong?

In my next life...

Click on picture to make picture larger for reading.

Point to Ponder

Why is it that if you cross
the North Korean border
illegally, you get thrown
into prison and get
12 years of hard labor...

And if you cross the Iranian border
while out supposedly
leisurely hiking in the hills
you get arrested and imprisoned...

But if you cross
the U.S. border illegally,
you get a drivers license,
a Social Security card
and free health care?

College Football Quote of the Week

Click on picture to make larger for reading.

Columbus Day

BORN
Between August 25th and October 31st, 1435 to 1460. 1451 is the most frequently given date.

BIRTHPLACE
Columbus said Genoa, Italy. Other candidates -- Chios, which is now Greek but was a Genoese colony where Columbus is a common surname. Also, Majorca (Spanish Balearic Islands), Galicia, and other places in Spain.

MARITAL STATUS
Married Doña Felipa Perestrello e Moniz, 1479

CHILDREN
Diego, born to Doña Felipa, 1480, Madeira Islands. Fernando, born to Beatriz, 1488.

WIDOWER
Doña Felipa died between 1481 and 1485.

SIGNIFICANT OTHER
Beatriz Enríquez de Arana, after 1485.

DIED
May 20, 1506, Valladolid, Spain, age-related.

BURIED
Leading candidates: Sevilla, Spain; Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic; or Havana, Cuba.

IMPORTANT RELATIVES
Bartolemé Colón (older or younger, brother or uncle).

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS
Blonde hair (white after age 30), blue eyes, exceptionally keen sense of smell, excellent eyesight, perfect hearing. Perfect physical condition in 1492. Moderate in drink, food, and dress; never swore.

RELIGION
Catholic. Jewish background on one side of his family. Left son Diego at Franciscan friary, la Rabida, in 1481, retrieved him in 1491.

EXPERIENCE
Went to sea at age 14. May have been involved in naval engagement between Franco-Portuguese and Genoese Fleets in 1476. Made at least one voyage to England, possibly one to Iceland. Made four voyages to the New World: 1) September 8, 1492 to March 3, 1493; 2) October 7-10, 1493 to June 11, 1496; 3) May 30, 1498 to August 31, 1498 (Santo Domingo, see below for return to Spain); and 4) May 9, 1502 to November 7, 1504 [marooned in Jamaica -- June 25, 1503 to March 7, 1504].

CRIMINAL RECORD
Arrested in Santo Domingo August 23, 1500. Sent to Spain in chains in October 1500. Released December 12, 1500 and summoned to court.

Senior Moments

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

New Nokia Cell Phone

Nokia has finally designed a cell phone for nervous white people who need to make a cell phone call while in Jacksonville, East Saint Louis, New Orleans, Memphis, South Chicago, South Dallas, Houston, L.A., Miami Detroit, Washington, D.C., parts of New York City, Buffalo, Oakland, Gary and parts of Atlanta.

Congratulations, Jenna & Dan

Canadian Road Sign

One-liner

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?



One crazy bitch who will find you!

School Answering Machine

African Elephant

My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...



"A f r i c a n E l e p h a n t"

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?