I thought my boss would never know...

and then I got my first DWI!

Phone call from Hell...

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Tuesday!

Funny Wedding

Be sure to read the subtitles.
Very funny!

What do we tell the kids?

Winter Funnies

Former Revere man earns Bronze Star

Saved fellow soldiers during first firefight



Boston Globe - December 11, 2009

Army Specialist Marc Silvestri was pinned behind a bush in the mountains of Afghanistan, about 2 miles from the Pakistani border. Dozens of Taliban insurgents fired at him from three sides.

“I looked down and saw my foot exposed,’’ the Revere native said in a recent interview. “As I pulled it in, a round immediately cracked off the rock.

“At that point I thought, ‘I could die right now.’ It brought back thoughts of my daughter, my family.’’

In his first firefight, Silvestri sprang into action on that August morning last year, killing three attackers and saving 31 fellow soldiers in an act of bravery that would later earn him the Bronze Star with Valor.

“I said, ‘You know what, you can either die sitting here behind a bush, or you can try to make it out of here,’ ’’ said Silvestri, 31. “No matter what, I was fighting.’’

As Silvestri had done when he set numerous rushing records on Revere High School’s football field 12 years ago, he used his speed and elusiveness on the battlefield.

His squad leader, Staff Sergeant Steven Ellsberry of Ohio, who nominated Silvestri for the Bronze Star, confirmed the account of what happened that day.

Sly, as he is known to buddies in the Army, dodged enemy fire and ran 80 yards down a hillside to his platoon leader, who was trapped in the open.

“As I got there, I positioned myself in front of him and said, ‘Sir, get behind the rock,’ ’’ Silvestri said. “I was in the open at that point. Then the guys that were firing popped up, and I sprayed them and actually got both.’’

Silvestri and the lieutenant then huddled behind a rock and radioed back to base, he said.

About an hour later, Silvestri’s group seemed safe, but 15 Afghan National Army soldiers and their two Marine Corps advisers were still trapped up the mountain, awaiting air support.

“The Marine was at the top saying, ‘We can’t pull out; we’re pinned down,’ ’’ Silvestri said. “So I got up and ran about 100 meters up the hill.’’

Silvestri said he positioned himself directly under the final insurgent.

“He leaned out to fire, and I took a step out, looked up, and shot and killed him,’’ he said.

The collection of 32 US and Afghan troops then sprinted back to base, uninjured after a three-hour fight.

“If it wasn’t for Sly, some of the guys would have gotten seriously wounded or killed,’’ said Ellsberry.

“He saved some soldiers’ lives. There is no other way around it.’’

About two months later, a rocket-propelled grenade exploded next to Silvestri while he slept, leaving him with a concussion and shrapnel in his legs. He was awarded a Purple Heart.

In April, he was awarded the Bronze Star, the eighth-highest medal in the Army.

In the past eight years, 1,179 soldiers serving in Afghanistan have received the medal, said Wayne Hall, Army spokesman.

“There are lots of heroic acts performed by our soldiers over there, but only a select few of them warrant a Bronze Star’’ with Valor, Hall said. “It’s not easy to earn.’’

Silvestri was raised in Revere and attended American International College in Springfield, where he played football. He now lives with his wife, Nicole, and 6-year-old daughter Sienna at Fort Knox, Ky.

The family is expecting another daughter in March and his second deployment late next year.

Silvestri is humble about his accolades.

“When he came home, he wasn’t very talkative about it,’’ said his mother, Sharon. “He told us, ‘I was just doing my job.’ ’’

Opening line @ the bar...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Why Email was Invented...

Company Structure

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST:

ARIES: Just because you love someone doesn't mean you always agree with that person. Challenge the opinions you don't share. TAURUS: Your ambition is an attractive quality to highlight this weekend. GEMINI: You'll have the perfect opportunity to broaden your knowledge of someone and get inside his or her thought process. CANCER: A gracious competitor is nonetheless a competitor. Know who you're up against. LEO: You may require extra care at times, but now is your chance to show that you're basically tough and low maintenance. VIRGO: Your impulses are delightful. Follow through. LIBRA: Once you make a decision that affects your love life, stick with it. Otherwise, you'll be seen as flighty and unreliable. SCORPIO: You have a heart of gold. Remember this, and let it guide you in all of your dealings. SAGITTARIUS: Celebrate the success of a loved one, no matter how big or small the achievement may be. CAPRICORN: Steer clear of limiting and/or controlling influences. Your ideal partner prefers that you do what you love. AQUARIUS: You've had bad experiences in the past, but you're not doomed to repeat them. Stay hopeful. PISCES: Keep up on current events and you'll be chosen as a conversational partner by someone fun.

COUPLE OF THE WEEKEND: Sagittarius and Aquarius form a high-energy couple and challenge each other toward lofty aims. Aquarius is not an overly competitive sign, but with Sagittarius encouraging Aquarius to explore and achieve, Aquarius becomes driven to impress. As the sign of the future, Aquarius is extremely interesting and enticing to Sagittarius, who never tires of observing and playing with Aquarius.

Once again...

I was disqualified from my neighborhood’s
“Best Decorated House” contest due to my bad attitude!

Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says - - W T F -- !

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked their vehicle when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

When visiting Bawstin...

Information on Boston and the surrounding area:

There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical "oddah": Arlington , Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Massachusetts Avenue is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Avenue is Comm Ave;

South Boston is Southie.
The South End is the South End.
East Boston is Eastie.
The North End is east of the former West End.
The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
Roxbury is The Burry.
Jamaica Plain is J.P.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly:
**Say it wrong, and be shunned**

Worcester : Wuhsta (or Woostah)
Gloucester : Glawsta
Leicester Lesta
Woburn: Woobin
Dedham : Dead-um
Revere: Ra-vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Tewksbury : Tooks berry
Leominster : Lemin-sta
Peabody: Pee-ba-dee
Waltham : Walth-ham
Chatham: Chaddum
Samoset: Sam-oh-set or Sum-aw-set but nevah Summerset!

Definitions:
Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't.
If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
Soda is CLUB SODA.
"Pop" is DAD.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for TONIC WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish;
If you paid more than $7/pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah.
It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel.
It's not a spucky, a hero or grinder,... it's a sub.
It's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage.
It's not a purse; it's a pockabook.
They're not franks; they're haht dahgs; Franks are money in Switzahland.
Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a "crooza".
If you take the bus, your on the "looza crooza".
It's not a rubber band, it's an elastic.
It's not a traffic circle or roundabout, it's a rotary.
"Going to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket.

The Sox = The Red Sox
The C's = The Celtics
The B's = The Bruins
The Pat's =The Patriots

Things not to do:

Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd .. they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford ) or Summahville (Somerville) .
Don't sleep on the Common. (Boston Common)
Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.

Things you should know:

There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).

The colored lights on top the old Hancock building tell the weatha':

"Solid blue, clear view...."
"Flashing blue, clouds due...."
"Solid red, rain ahead...."
"Flashing red, snow instead...." - except in summer;
flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out!

Most people live here all their life and still don't know what the hell is going on with this one.

Route 128 South is I-95 south. It's also I-93 north.

The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T", and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).

Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer.

Bostonians...think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.

Bostonians...think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's)except in "idea".

Bostonians...think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.

Bostonians...refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting."

Bostonians...always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

Bostonians...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.

Bostonians...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.

Bostonians...think Rhode Island accents are annoying.

Redneck...

Lawn Mower

Bass Boat

Harley

Pet Carrier

Gingerbread House

Doorbell

and you know you're a redneck when your wife is quoted in the paper as saying the following:

To those people who aren't working, it's Wednesday, December 9th

The Shrink

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, ‘I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, the doctor met me on the street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

Coming to your town soon...

Can you believe it?
30 years since these HOT Men came dancing into your lives...





and now they're celebrating their 30th Reunion

Potato Prostitute

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?







It's the one with the little sticker that says... I - DA - HO